I see that it has stopped raining, but It’s still grey and miserable. The passing cars have their lights on. Most of them anyway. Probably permanently set on automatic.
Someone just went past, glanced up at the sky, scowled, and started to speed up. A man in a blue mac who is probably regretting leaving his car at home. Especially as the cars are sending sprays of water across the pavement.
The next door neighbour has just pulled up. I move away from the window slightly. Why did I do that? He couldn’t possibly see me through the thick net curtain. And so what if he did see me … but it would matter, and I feel my heart starting to bang against my ribs in panic. Breath! I must calm down. I start to count the vans that go past, sometimes it’s minis, or blue cars. Counting helps me to focus and feel less stressed. By the twentieth I am much more settled.
There are patches of blue sky in the distance. I look at the clouds to see which way the wind is blowing. It looks hopeful that better weather is heading this way. There are more white clouds now. Sometimes I see animals or faces in their shapes. Other times they look like mountains. I love the clouds.
It must be near to the end of school as there are troops of so-young women, pushing buggies, heading in that direction. I decide to count how many are fiddling with their mobiles. Five, no … six. They can definitely multitask. So much noise… a gaggle of mums, is that the collective noun?
The bus to Monmouth goes by. When I was more well I sometimes went on it, just for a change. It was always pretty empty, which I liked. Less risk of someone trying to talk to me. If anyone did get on, I kept looking down so they couldn’t catch my eye and start a conversation. That was quite a while ago now. Maybe even a year?
Nobody knows what it’s like. People think I’m stupid for not answering the door – or the telephone. For just sitting here, staring out of the window, day after day.
The other day, or was it last week, it was so sunny, I was determined to go out for a walk. It took several changes of clothes before I thought I didn’t look like crap; combed my hair and even put on some lipstick. I unearthed my sunglasses from the bottom of my bag and headed for the front door. And that was where it all fell apart. I couldn’t bring myself to turn the key, let alone the door handle. Dread, fear, panic … oh such indescribable panic, followed by floods of burning hot tears as I ended up sliding to the floor in despair.
So since then, I am back by the window, watching the world carry on without me. It’s better that way.